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Thursday, February 17th, 2005
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Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
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Oh shit... shit shit shit. All weekend everything reminded me about lab. It's just this brooding cloud that won't go away. I thought I made my decision, I thought I was going to discuss the obstacles I had to face working there with my mentor. But now I'm having doubts. Do I want to work there? Where the hell else am I going to find a lab?? So many people I know in my research class have been scouring for labs in Downstate like locusts and they can't find anything. How the hell am I going to find a new lab? Just like that? I'm not used to just dropping something I've started and start fresh again. I usually just try to stick it out.
Why don't I want to work there? Well... my mentor for one reason. Okay maybe he is a nice guy. But not when it comes to work. Teaching me... well... it's like defining a word with other incomprehensible and difficult words. That's what he does. I'm not sure if that's just what every mentor does. Or if I'm overreacting.
I was feeling majorly depressed on Friday since I "didn't have to come in" to lab. I have no fucking clue what the fuck is going on with my project. I absolutely hate being shoved off something I've started doing. I decided to pick Yan up from school that day. Good 'ole Brooklyn Tech. I experienced the horrifying coincidence of running into my ex there which never even crossed my mind... I mean it's a huge high school... with tons of people who get out at different times... god what a fucking bad coincidence. He seemed pretty surprised too, "What!? Go HOME. What are you doing here?" All I said was "Real nice." and walked away. But yeah he followed and I pretended I didn't notice him tugging on my jacket from behind.
Anyway once I found Yana, I told her through my sobs what was going on with lab and whatnot. I can't believe I even had doubts telling her about it. I thought she wouldn't understand and would make stupid suggestions but she didn't. Basically she told me that I needed to be more assertive when it came to speaking with people and not just try to be polite with my "nice voice". And she also suggested that I start looking at my options... searching for other labs that way if this doesn't fall through... which I'm hoping it does, I can have something to fall back on. We talked about her boy troubles... and problems with Olga. We slouched around her house and watched movies, listened to music, danced stupidly, skipped (literally) around the sidewalk while yelling out some immature crap about "Merry Halloween, ho ho ho", sobbed over our pathetic life-problems and pigged out on cookie dough and chocolate chip ice cream and Doritos. It was fattening but somewhat comforting. Ah how I love that girl. I know my mother would have popped a major artery if she knew what I ate. Oh well.
So, so far I've gotten tons of great advice from Yan, Cecilia, and Jeannie, but I'm still confused as hell. I feel like a rejected idiot. God...what the fuck am I going to do. To stay or go... I just really want to know what HE wants. I don't want to stay if he thinks I'm too stupid to hack it. Maybe I should ask him what he wants? I'm just so afraid that that's what he's going to say... oh what the fuck.
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Tuesday, October 29th, 2002
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I swear to fucking...... if someone else calls me fat one more time I will fucking take a knife, cut off all my fat flabs and shove it down their throat. Fuck! Don't you think I KNOW I'm fucking fat!? Do you think I feel fucking good about that?! Do you have to remind me every fucking day!? Every fucking time I take a bite of something!? Do you have to take out a god damn fucking photo to show me how fucking fat I am compared to my friends!? I can't fucking handle this anymore. Fine, I'll fucking starve myself to a corpse. Wouldn't want to fucking embarrass anyone with my fucking fat self. I'll look nice and fucking normal dead. Just when I finally accepted what a fuck I look like, I fucking feel ashamed to let anyone see me. Every fucking second I'm contemplating new ways to get thin. It's fucking distracting me from everything. Fuck I want to be thin.
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Friday, October 25th, 2002
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La la la... I'm waiting for Cecilia and Jeaaaaaaaaannieeee to finish...whatever they're doing. La la la.. so bored....
The rain in Spain
Falls mainly in the plane
dooo wap dooo wap.... must find something to do... bah... stupid guy is trying to find out what chemicals I have in the lab. Something about wanting to buy some for his pill cock tails... ahh... poor druggie fool.
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Monday, October 21st, 2002
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So untouchable
Terrified to come near you
Afraid I might shatter you
So I hide behind my shadows
Far away from you
Protecting you from my sinful touch
That would sink you from your heavenly place
So unreachable
So untouchable
I want to pluck your wings
Flaw you
Steal you to my world
Behind my shadows
So that I might have just one touch...
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Friday, October 11th, 2002
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Tigres go grr...
....growl growl... grrr
rrufff... oh wait-- no ruff's
...Alright time to hit the sac... ahahhaha...
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I should be doing my PSAT crap.... yes I should... but i'm not ... i'm too tired... so tired... ah screw it all.
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Monday, October 7th, 2002
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Touger: So why didn't you >voice goes up< pursue a position in your sister's lab... >voice goes up< Dr. Bianchi's lab.
Me: Uh... well... I wanted to stay away from that.... er... yeah.
Touger: Well why is that? >cough/spasm/whatever the hell that thing that he does is<
Me: People compare me a lot to her and I'd rather work in a lab where they didn't know my sister.
Touger: Well I think its a >voice goes up< compliment that they compare you to your sister.
Me: ::gives him an incredulous look:: Uh, no.
Touger: ....
Me: If they expect me to do great things like my sister did, I'm probably going to disappoint them.
--At this point I'm praying that Touger's voice box explodes so that he would just SHUT UP.
Touger: Ohhh I see, so you think that in comparison to your >voice goes up< sister you come up short.
Me: Well... yeah.
Touger: Now why would you think that?
Me: Die you son of a bitch! Die! die! die!!!!!
Well.... I didn't actually say that... but I was sure as hell thinking it. God damnit, stupid son of a bitch held me after school for an hour and a half... an hour and a half! Christ, I need coffee.
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Saturday, October 5th, 2002
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I feel so bummed about the Yankees... damnit! Does anything ever go right?!?! Up until the last inning I kept my dillusional hope that maybe by some miraculous chance, someone, anyone would make a major comeback... and yet we still lost....
::sigh:: life is even too stingy to give me the small pleasures of living.
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God damn... how long has it been since I was actually happy about something? ANYTHING? This is going to be a loooooong year.
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Sunday, September 29th, 2002
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I hate it
I think I'm in love with you
And I hate you for it.
I've been stripped naked and exposed
And I'm praying that you don't notice.
I hate the way you've made me weak
I'm disgusted by my need for your affection
Touch me
But don't come too close
You broke through my defenses
Invaded my fortress of misanthropy.
Left me guarded by mere walls of paper--
decorated with humiliating hearts around your name
You thawed out my heart
and left it here to rot.
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Thursday, September 26th, 2002
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Okay.... this is the first time I've ever been absent since I've been in high school. Yesterday night I struggled to keep my eyes open and focus on finishing my homework. Pulling 2 all-nighters in a row can do that to you. I couldn't concentrate at all, I just wanted to sleeeep. So finally I gave up and I went to bed.
....I woke up screaming at 7:00 am this morning. I was going to be late for math class yet again. And then all of a sudden I broke into a sweat, it was so hot. It became harder to breathe. My vision started getting hazy. And then.... yeah I fainted. My mom refused to let me go to school and to be totally honest, I didn't really feel like I was up for it anyway. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I was pretty scared myself. Just when you thought you couldn't look any worse... my face just looked back.. ugly, pale, and...just plain oogly. My lips were so pale it practically disappeared somewhere on my face.
Ugh... I guess it's time to visit my doc.
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Saturday, September 21st, 2002
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Fuck fuck fuck. People ask me why I put myself through the torture... studying, lab...and all that bunch of shit. I really have no god damn answer for that. To me, this is the safest way to live. Some part of me has faith that all this hard work will pay off... some day. Funny, this safe way is gonna drive me to kill myself... either that or just drive me off that bridge of sanity.
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Sunday, September 15th, 2002
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Yesterday went to watch a football game with Yana, Dina, Toma, and Kris... Tech vs. Martin. The game was lousy, pretty one-sided. Not much excitement. And Tech's field majorly sucks smelly ass. Toma and Dina ditched the game after the first half hour because they couldn't handle all the boredom. They're not exactly sportsy kinda people. The game ended 28-0. Ra-ra Tech.
I can't say it was much fun though. Something was missing between Yan and me. It's kind of scary. There wasn't even a decent conversation between us--I guess partly because I was ticked off at the fact that they all kept speaking Russian. I mean uh-duh-duh non-ruskiy here. Would it kill ya to speak a lil fuckin English?! Okay deep breath... anyway I wound up bailing out early... for... ::gulp:: homework. There is something seriously wrong when your best friend has to ditch you for homework. But hey it's the first time I snuck out of my house when my parents were gone and didn't catch me out. Buahahaahaaa aarrgh.
::Sigh:: Yan wtf is happening with us?!? Am I the only one that notices there's something wrong? Argh, I don't want to lose her. She's the only one who knows about those dark spots in my life. She's the only one who stood up for me way back in 8th grade when my supposed "best friends" talked shit behind my back. She's my partner in crime. She keeps me sane. She's my dressing room buddy.
We're falling apart.
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Saturday, September 14th, 2002
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Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! It's only been one week of school. Just ONE lousy week. It seems like weeks and weeks have passed. I'm sleeping at 2:00 a.m. on average every night. I came in late yesterday to math... the first thing I said was "I'm so sorry". But stupid mean bastard Schwartz just gave me this long dirty look--like I was some fucking stupid elementary school kid that needed to be scolded and sent to the corner to think about what I did. Just yesterday, he was late to class.... stupid fucking hypocrite!!
I came home at around 7:45 yesterday and already my parents were "shouting" about what a mess I left around my room that morning. Christ, I can even find peace at home.
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Friday, September 6th, 2002
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I almost forgot-- my schedule begins 1st period which is at 7:00 A.M.--I saw the sun rise for chrissakes! I was completely zombie-fied today. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this crap. I went to lab and I was so exhausted I didn't know what I was doing nor did I care. I kept screwing up my tubes until eventually I wound up spilling out my plasmids in an attempt to swat this annoying evil fly. I still haven't told my mentor yet. -_-.
Back to school-- my teachers seem pretty decent for the most part. I have Schwartz for math as my first class... he's a pretty tough looking scary guy. He really emphasized on how much fun math would be for us... the only thing math has ever stimulated in me are multiple heart attacks.
Spanish is spanish... completely bullshit. I still don't understand the significance of learning a language where you learn to speak it in a way uncommon to fluent Spanish-speakers.
As for AP Bio with Nicastri... I'm going to need an IV pumping in caffeinated coffee directly to my veins. There are some weird moments when she tries to make a joke and there's complete silence in the room except for the buzzing of the lights and the sound of blinking (yes, you can actually hear people blinking in there!). I didn't get such raving reviews about her. I'll manage somehow... I hope...
AP American is actually less scarier than I thought it would be. I have Ms. Peters... she seems like a nice lady... she's the "come to me with all your problems, I'm going to help you out" type of teachers which is a big relief.
Uh... let's see... Touger for research... same case with Nicastri... except I think I'm going to have to staple my eyelids to my forehead and after class, overdose on Advil.
Creative writing...really relaxing. I'm feeling even more relaxed now that I sit in front of the only hott guy in my whole schedule. But he's probably a sophmore...he still has that fresh youthful look to him. Oh well... all the more easier to rape. Buahahahaha...
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If I was beautiful like you
Oh the things I would do
Those not so blessed would be crying out murder
And I'd just laugh and get away with it too, like you do
If I was beautiful like you
I would never be at fault
I'd walk in the rain between the raindrops
Bringing traffic to a halt
But that would never be
That would never, never be
'Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me
God I saw Arnold with his girlfriend... he was telling me how beautiful she is... ahh fuck and she is. I just don't get it, one minute I get the feeling he's kind of into me and then the next it's like I don't exist. Am I just exaggerating this?? I understand that he has a girlfriend, but why is he flirting with me like that?! And why the hell does it hurt so much?!? I'm over him. It's his damn flirting that's getting me all messed up.
Today I just kept thinking about it. It kept replaying in my mind: first he was giving me this more-than-friendly hug... and then a split second later he was telling me about his girlfriend and flirting with her in front of me. It was disgusting. Maybe the hug wasn't so more-than-friendly... maybe it was just a hug, but I know it wasn't... I couldn't have imagined that. I hate this. Part of me feels mad that he can be so superficial; I mean the main reason he's with her is because of her looks... her damn beautiful looks...but then again I'm probably no better. I'm such a hypocrite! An ugly jealous hypocrite! An ugly jealous hypocrite who just got played... bah!
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Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
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When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
We had this conversation during lunch about relationships; Ari was saying how he wanted a girlfriend, "just someone". And then he joked that I would only find those "squat boys" to be with. And although he was joking... some part of me actually thinks its true. I've only had ONE boyfriend that I was genuinely attracted to--only he didn't give a shit about me.
And I know why I can never be with the ones I have some sort of affection for--even if by some miraculous chance they ever happen to like me back. I have this problem where I turn gradually into a complete ASSHOLE.
Phase I: I start thinking that whoever I'm with is way too good for me and I wonder what they ever saw in me.
Phase II: I turn into the "mute moron". After I realize how inferior I am to... whoever, I start to get nervous and my brain stops functioning which prevents me from saying ANYTHING--thus, "mute moron".
Phase III: The sweet object of my affection will see me for the loser I am and will leave me and cheat on me right after crushing my heart into microscopic pieces and scattering them to the dogs.
Ah... I just want someone I can be myself around... I want some lovin' god damnit!
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fuqit's journal
pensive.
blank.
bored.
stressed.
cranky.
disappointed.
worried.
drained.
mellow.